days of awe

I don't like what the recent mess on the forum has revealed about me. More to the point, God doesn't like it.
I felt ignored and forgotten, and that I had lost what had once been considerable power to stop the kind of carnage that the forum now seems to typify. Many better people than I'll ever be made the points I yearned to make better than I ever could have, and were lacerated or swept aside. I watched my place among them evaporate, and somewhere along the way I stopped wanting it back.
I'm not sure if that's a sin, but the attitudes I've given place to are. I chose not to be a part of the solution, but rather to watch the problem morph and multiply with a shrug and a bitter smirk. I allowed myself to judge people without lifting a finger to help them. And I regret that deeply.
So God, please forgive me as I forgive these whether they need it or not. I don't wish them anything but Your best. Defeat and division to the enemy and not to them. To them be Your love and grace and mercy and peace, and to You be all worship and honour and glory forever.
I don't know what to do after this, but it doesn't matter. I look in on things and realise how little I know of what's right and wrong and what really matters. I still don't see a place for me there. I no longer feel indispensable, and the fact that I ever did feels slimy and shameful. There is nothing I can bring that can't be matched or bested by scores of others. I guess the only reason that I ever let myself feel vital there is that so many treated me as though I was. That was intoxicating, and when the high wore off, I crashed.
I'm really sorry. I love them, and I love You.