I am crashed and burning again. I used again. I freebased on pure hatred. It felt like it just happened, like I was pounding it down before I even knew what I was doing, but the choice was still mine.
It feels horrible in an awe-inspiring way, almost majestic in its perfect destructiveness. It has a focus, a purity and an unshakeability which the rest of me so utterly lacks. It makes me feel like something beyond worthless, like something that has reached the very center of a total void of worth, an anti-worth. When I am in its grip I am a showcase of multilayered, multifaceted defects and sound, solid reasons for nullification. The case against me is so seamlessly ironclad that it has to be admired. I am defendant, plaintiff, judge, jury, and executioner. I am a bad thing, so I hate that bad thing. I judge it worthy of contempt and vilification. I taste the outrage of the universe at the total wrongness of my existence and lash out. The rage makes me feel bigger than the skin I live in even as I bruise and abrade it. Every flash of pain, every burst of black across my vision in tempo with the blows to that woefully misinhabited skull, feels like more power than I have ever known. It feels so right, so justified. All the other targets that were beyond my capability to affect are forgotten in my orgy of self-punishment. I hear faint pleas for clemency and answer them with a cold stare and turn away without a word. Then I get back to the business at hand. It isn't logical. Its rationale will not bear up under the application of truth. It still happens. It just is what it is.
It doesn't last. The hangover is sure to follow. The feeling of power is replaced by weariness. The case against me is still as ironclad as ever; it just doesn't matter anymore. I am still a defect, a stain, a flaw, and nothing I have done has either mended that state of affairs or punished it. I am left with the memory of what I did and the fall I took from everything I ever believed that I called good.
It's not a chemical. My drug of choice is hate. I want to stay high enough on it to stand the pain of the doomed venture of becoming a human. But it can't happen. I am not allowed to destroy this thing, but the hectoring, insistent yearning to do just that will not go away.
I need to stop. I cannot be what is needed, ever, from any angle. I cannot do this. I need to stop. I need to see it possible to, and I need a reason to.
This is a very little thing. It is not important. I don't know. I want to forget it ever happened. I am sorry.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
aftermath
So Barack Obama is the new President.
I would be lying if I denied that I ever looked at this turn of events with a certain amount of dread before it actually happened, but there are at least two things that make it easier to face now that it has.
One: THE ELECTION IS OVER. That can't be bad news for anyone. Especially those of us sick to f*cking death of endless e-mails, forwards and bulletins clamouring for undying allegiance to the sender's messiah of choice. Not voting for McCain? You're a fetus-chomping welfare chiseler with a pentagram tattooed on one asscheek and a hammer and sickle on the other. Not voting for Obama? You're a warmongering racist bastard who wants to turn the U.S. into a Christian Iran. Now that Obama has won, it's time for those who opposed him to spout all manner of dire predictions for our future and point fingers at everyone but themselves for letting this happen.
Puh-LEEZE. Do NOT insult my considerable intelligence with this drivel. I freely confess to being ignorant of much of the political landscape, due less to laziness than to paralysis induced by the bewildering glut of information, opinions, slants, spins and hype. That does not make me stupid. I've studied history a good bit for someone who barely graduated high school, and I learned quite early that firsthand study of my own species is conducive to survival. I've also learned that I will never be informed or educated enough to get through a single day without depending on God.
History, people-watching, and faith have all taught me that putting confidence in humanity is a recipe for disaster. Which brings me to the second thing: GOD IS STILL IN CHARGE. For f*ck's sake, did everyone catch some amnesial staph infection that scrubbed from their brains all the scriptures about praying for leaders and authorities, about God being the One Who puts them in their positions, Who can direct their hearts wherever He pleases, and Who has promised never to leave or forsake us, even if the new government were to turn out to be ten times as predatory and communist as predicted?
There has never been any shortage of people lining up to demand my total and unflinching loyalty to their cause or crusade. You'd think I'd be flattered by the attention. I'm not, because it evaporates when I ask questions. Or it curdles into vitriol and contempt because I'm viewed as choosing to be part of the problem, not the solution. Piss off, you tin-hatted rabble-rousing son of a bitch. I'll bet I could find at least a few people I've done some good turns for. But you'd likely piss on them, too, because they don't propel your agenda. Your loss.
I find that I'm most effective for true and lasting good when I realise that I don't know jack. Why? Because facing that reality while seeing what this evil world does to the people (and the nation) I love pushes me into a corner from which the only way out is to submit myself to the all knowing and omnipotent God. His work in me is the only thing I have to offer that's worth anything at all. And He can work the same way in anyone who will let Him. Even those who oppose Him find their plans thwarted and subverted to serve His.
Make no mistake: I worry. I wish I could trust Mr. Obama as much as I'd like. But I trust God. So in obedience to Him I'll submit to the duly elected President of my country. And I will pray for him, his family, and his appointees. And for the rest of this country. And I will pray for the grace not to join this flood of self-righteous doomsaying that leaves an all-sufficient God banging on the door grieving that His offers of help can't be heard over all the blame-casting. Call me naive, but the Scripture so many of these clowns claim to venerate seems to back me up pretty well.
And one more thing: I am STOKED that everyone who ever said a non-white could never be president has been proven wrong. This racial shit will be the death of us if we let it, but we don't have to.
I would be lying if I denied that I ever looked at this turn of events with a certain amount of dread before it actually happened, but there are at least two things that make it easier to face now that it has.
One: THE ELECTION IS OVER. That can't be bad news for anyone. Especially those of us sick to f*cking death of endless e-mails, forwards and bulletins clamouring for undying allegiance to the sender's messiah of choice. Not voting for McCain? You're a fetus-chomping welfare chiseler with a pentagram tattooed on one asscheek and a hammer and sickle on the other. Not voting for Obama? You're a warmongering racist bastard who wants to turn the U.S. into a Christian Iran. Now that Obama has won, it's time for those who opposed him to spout all manner of dire predictions for our future and point fingers at everyone but themselves for letting this happen.
Puh-LEEZE. Do NOT insult my considerable intelligence with this drivel. I freely confess to being ignorant of much of the political landscape, due less to laziness than to paralysis induced by the bewildering glut of information, opinions, slants, spins and hype. That does not make me stupid. I've studied history a good bit for someone who barely graduated high school, and I learned quite early that firsthand study of my own species is conducive to survival. I've also learned that I will never be informed or educated enough to get through a single day without depending on God.
History, people-watching, and faith have all taught me that putting confidence in humanity is a recipe for disaster. Which brings me to the second thing: GOD IS STILL IN CHARGE. For f*ck's sake, did everyone catch some amnesial staph infection that scrubbed from their brains all the scriptures about praying for leaders and authorities, about God being the One Who puts them in their positions, Who can direct their hearts wherever He pleases, and Who has promised never to leave or forsake us, even if the new government were to turn out to be ten times as predatory and communist as predicted?
There has never been any shortage of people lining up to demand my total and unflinching loyalty to their cause or crusade. You'd think I'd be flattered by the attention. I'm not, because it evaporates when I ask questions. Or it curdles into vitriol and contempt because I'm viewed as choosing to be part of the problem, not the solution. Piss off, you tin-hatted rabble-rousing son of a bitch. I'll bet I could find at least a few people I've done some good turns for. But you'd likely piss on them, too, because they don't propel your agenda. Your loss.
I find that I'm most effective for true and lasting good when I realise that I don't know jack. Why? Because facing that reality while seeing what this evil world does to the people (and the nation) I love pushes me into a corner from which the only way out is to submit myself to the all knowing and omnipotent God. His work in me is the only thing I have to offer that's worth anything at all. And He can work the same way in anyone who will let Him. Even those who oppose Him find their plans thwarted and subverted to serve His.
Make no mistake: I worry. I wish I could trust Mr. Obama as much as I'd like. But I trust God. So in obedience to Him I'll submit to the duly elected President of my country. And I will pray for him, his family, and his appointees. And for the rest of this country. And I will pray for the grace not to join this flood of self-righteous doomsaying that leaves an all-sufficient God banging on the door grieving that His offers of help can't be heard over all the blame-casting. Call me naive, but the Scripture so many of these clowns claim to venerate seems to back me up pretty well.
And one more thing: I am STOKED that everyone who ever said a non-white could never be president has been proven wrong. This racial shit will be the death of us if we let it, but we don't have to.
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