days of awe

I don't like what the recent mess on the forum has revealed about me. More to the point, God doesn't like it.
I felt ignored and forgotten, and that I had lost what had once been considerable power to stop the kind of carnage that the forum now seems to typify. Many better people than I'll ever be made the points I yearned to make better than I ever could have, and were lacerated or swept aside. I watched my place among them evaporate, and somewhere along the way I stopped wanting it back.
I'm not sure if that's a sin, but the attitudes I've given place to are. I chose not to be a part of the solution, but rather to watch the problem morph and multiply with a shrug and a bitter smirk. I allowed myself to judge people without lifting a finger to help them. And I regret that deeply.
So God, please forgive me as I forgive these whether they need it or not. I don't wish them anything but Your best. Defeat and division to the enemy and not to them. To them be Your love and grace and mercy and peace, and to You be all worship and honour and glory forever.
I don't know what to do after this, but it doesn't matter. I look in on things and realise how little I know of what's right and wrong and what really matters. I still don't see a place for me there. I no longer feel indispensable, and the fact that I ever did feels slimy and shameful. There is nothing I can bring that can't be matched or bested by scores of others. I guess the only reason that I ever let myself feel vital there is that so many treated me as though I was. That was intoxicating, and when the high wore off, I crashed.
I'm really sorry. I love them, and I love You.

it's all right not to speak if you've got nothing worth hearing

this is unfortunate, but it has to come out somewhere.
the forum that I once knew as a haven and a refuge, where anyone was safe except those who were looking for others to use as spiritual scratching posts, is now a spiritual litterbox.
not that many, even most, of those who post there don't care, but a pathetic few who don't are ruining it for those who need it most.
if I still had a voice that meant a goddamn thing there I would tear these whores a new hole. how many others are going to give up and die because someone else has to swing the biggest dick in the theological locker room? I won't, I have real friends within minutes of my real-time address, but what about Moriah or all the others who got driven off?
stuff these slaves. to look at them you'd think Christianity was the most Darwinistic game in town. I hope every sodding one of them gets a chance to face the same tests they lambast others for failing.