thank you

how did you know?
you saved me again.
threw me a lifeline just as I was starting to cosy up to the idea of drowning.
your timing is impeccable.
not really your timing, but His, yet the choice was still yours.
I'm trying, God, I'm trying. don't know why I lose my grip so easily, yet even that helps someone. and what a someone.
it would seem that nothing I do matters because it will all work out for someone's good in the end.
but it does matter, because I still want to choose something better than hate and death.
even more than that I want to see what you see when you look in this direction, to know as well as you do that the contempt I am bracing for when the guts tumble out does not exist, that the love waiting for me is huger than the contempt would be even if it did.
I do not know how to fully believe, live, own what you say about me, but I want to. you're one very large reason why one of my most repeated prayers to God is "Lord, I believe - help my unbelief."
the gift you just offered me in His name gets every scrap of whatever belief I can muster.
and I believe that someday that will be enough, but I will not quit.
I love you.