I was sure that the only reason they stuck around was because they didn't know what kind of fuckup they were dealing with. Now I think they do, and they're still here. That hurts almost as bad as being alone, because I can't understand it. The most beautiful thing involving other humans that's ever happened to me, except perhaps marriage, and it's so alien to all I've ever been wired to believe that I'm locked out of it by my inability to grasp it.
I understand punishment, reprisal, reaping what one sows, the law of returns, call it what you like. I do not understand an economy where my most inexcusable defects do not mark me for contempt and rejection. What the hell's in here that's worth what one has to endure to get to it?
Someone please pick up a fuckin' rock so I can get a clue again. Oh God, please don't. Whatever. I don't know. I wish I had a brain. This heart shit is getting old.
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